Watching Them Walk Down The Road

You never stop parenting, whether your children are two or forty two. Love, care, nature, worry are still strong 
motions, especially for moms. And the worst passage in the Bible for parents is Genesis 2:24, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Watching your children grow up and leave is met with different emotions by mom and dad. Dad is like, “yeah, peace and quiet.” Mom walks from room to room and mourns the quiet. 

Yet, that’s the way of life. If the apron strings are not cut, the unhealthy familial relationship can kill the new couple. At the same time, parents remain parents, but parenting changes. No longer is the relations parent to child, but adult to adult. Some would say that it is still parent to child, that our children are always that. But to hold that view is to see our children as a child, or at least they will think that. No adult wants to be seen or treated like a child, even those who act like one. That means that we have to trust that our inadequate attempts at parenting will bear fruit of well adjusted adults, who can make good and right decisions. 

What if our adult children, however, are not following after Christ? How do we, who love the Lord, help our adult children find the righteous path of Jesus?  Here are some great suggestions by Ron Edmondson 

Here are 7 suggestions for parenting adult children:

Pray continually – Pray like crazy for your adult kids. Intercede for them. You don’t even have to tell them you are – although occasionally I suspect they’d like to hear it, even if they act like they don’t. In fact, discipline yourself that when you’re tempted to worry about them you start to pray for them. It’s far more powerful and one of the best ways you can influence them.

Speak reservedly – Don’t share every opinion you have about how they should be handling their life. That’s a key word. It’s “their” life. And, they may not tell you in so many words, but most adult children want to live their life. Just like you probably want to live yours. You can share on occasion, especially when asked or you know they are about to make a major mistake, but if you share everything it will eventually be noise not influence in their life. The sobering reality is when you offer too much input into, again “their” life, you diminish the impact of your voice when they need it most.

Model for them – Be the maturer one in the relationship. That makes sense, right? You’ve got more experience, shouldn’t you have more maturity? 

I’ve known parents who give the silent treatment to their adult children, because they didn’t call when they should or perform as they expected. Is that the mature response? And, does it work? It may guilt a response, but it doesn’t promote health in the relationship. 

I know others who use manipulative innuendos or put undue pressure on their adult children to call them, be at certain events, or just to respond to them emotionally in a certain way. (And, I get it. You miss their attention and long for it.) But, again, depending on your skill of manipulation it may guilt a response, but it doesn’t build the long, lasting and healthy relationship you will eventually want to have with your children. 

Model the behavior you think your adult children should have. They will likely follow actions more than words.

Remember you were once their age. That’s a key. Remember what it was like to be their age. You wanted to explore. You had dreams. You were scared at times. Confused. Not sure what steps to take. Some days you were just trying to hold it all together. You didn’t know everything. You were still learning. (Hopefully you still are.) You got aggravated at parents at times. And, those parents got aggravated at you. Remember? Try to identify with them by remembering you at their age again. You can influence them better if you can identify more with their season of life. 

Keep the door open. Always be available to them when they make themselves available to you. (Even when they wander. Remember the Prodigal Son story we love so much!) As soon as you close the door to them, when you draw hard lines on the ground or place strict rules upon the relationship, it will be much harder to open the door again. That doesn’t mean you have to let them take advantage of you. (That’s not even good love.) You can set boundaries, especially those, which are in your home or for their ultimate good. (But, make sure it’s for their good and not for your personal preferences.) There may be some non-negotiable issues, but let those be rare. Be generous with grace and forgiveness. Remember, you’re trying to develop a long-term opportunity to influence them.

Love them more than their life. You may not love all the decisions they are making. You may even think they are making a mistake. Again, if there’s an open door to share your insight — share it. I find writing a letter is sometimes the best way, especially if communication is strained. But, the fact is again, you are not raising — you’re influencing. And, they may or may not accept your influence. So, love them — generously and unconditionally — more than you love the current decisions they are making with their life. And, make sure they know how unconditional your love is also. It will guard your influence — if not now — in the future. And, you’ll be very thankful you did in the days ahead. 

Guard the heart. Guard your heart and theirs – above all else (Proverbs 4:23). Keep in mind you want the opportunity to speak into their life for years to come. Be intentional here. Be careful making statements or doing things you may later regret or that will push them further away from you. When you pray, pray for their heart – and yours. Just as you tried to protect their heart all those years they were in your home, keep protecting their heart. 

Hopefully, if influence is protected, if they can understand your intentions towards them are good and you will have invitation to speak into their life, from your success, your failure, and your experience. 

And, lastly, remember, you raised them for this. You raised them to be adults and to embrace the world and to take risks and to be themselves and to be who God designed them to be. They’ll explore just as you did and they’ll make mistakes just as you did. Lord willing, and with good intentionality, your best days (and some of the funnest days) are still to come as a parent. 

Happy parenting! I’m just saying...