Watching Them Walk Down The Road

You never stop parenting, whether your children are two or forty two. Love, care, nature, worry are still strong 
motions, especially for moms. And the worst passage in the Bible for parents is Genesis 2:24, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Watching your children grow up and leave is met with different emotions by mom and dad. Dad is like, “yeah, peace and quiet.” Mom walks from room to room and mourns the quiet. 

Yet, that’s the way of life. If the apron strings are not cut, the unhealthy familial relationship can kill the new couple. At the same time, parents remain parents, but parenting changes. No longer is the relations parent to child, but adult to adult. Some would say that it is still parent to child, that our children are always that. But to hold that view is to see our children as a child, or at least they will think that. No adult wants to be seen or treated like a child, even those who act like one. That means that we have to trust that our inadequate attempts at parenting will bear fruit of well adjusted adults, who can make good and right decisions. 

What if our adult children, however, are not following after Christ? How do we, who love the Lord, help our adult children find the righteous path of Jesus?  Here are some great suggestions by Ron Edmondson 

Here are 7 suggestions for parenting adult children:

Pray continually – Pray like crazy for your adult kids. Intercede for them. You don’t even have to tell them you are – although occasionally I suspect they’d like to hear it, even if they act like they don’t. In fact, discipline yourself that when you’re tempted to worry about them you start to pray for them. It’s far more powerful and one of the best ways you can influence them.

Speak reservedly – Don’t share every opinion you have about how they should be handling their life. That’s a key word. It’s “their” life. And, they may not tell you in so many words, but most adult children want to live their life. Just like you probably want to live yours. You can share on occasion, especially when asked or you know they are about to make a major mistake, but if you share everything it will eventually be noise not influence in their life. The sobering reality is when you offer too much input into, again “their” life, you diminish the impact of your voice when they need it most.

Model for them – Be the maturer one in the relationship. That makes sense, right? You’ve got more experience, shouldn’t you have more maturity? 

I’ve known parents who give the silent treatment to their adult children, because they didn’t call when they should or perform as they expected. Is that the mature response? And, does it work? It may guilt a response, but it doesn’t promote health in the relationship. 

I know others who use manipulative innuendos or put undue pressure on their adult children to call them, be at certain events, or just to respond to them emotionally in a certain way. (And, I get it. You miss their attention and long for it.) But, again, depending on your skill of manipulation it may guilt a response, but it doesn’t build the long, lasting and healthy relationship you will eventually want to have with your children. 

Model the behavior you think your adult children should have. They will likely follow actions more than words.

Remember you were once their age. That’s a key. Remember what it was like to be their age. You wanted to explore. You had dreams. You were scared at times. Confused. Not sure what steps to take. Some days you were just trying to hold it all together. You didn’t know everything. You were still learning. (Hopefully you still are.) You got aggravated at parents at times. And, those parents got aggravated at you. Remember? Try to identify with them by remembering you at their age again. You can influence them better if you can identify more with their season of life. 

Keep the door open. Always be available to them when they make themselves available to you. (Even when they wander. Remember the Prodigal Son story we love so much!) As soon as you close the door to them, when you draw hard lines on the ground or place strict rules upon the relationship, it will be much harder to open the door again. That doesn’t mean you have to let them take advantage of you. (That’s not even good love.) You can set boundaries, especially those, which are in your home or for their ultimate good. (But, make sure it’s for their good and not for your personal preferences.) There may be some non-negotiable issues, but let those be rare. Be generous with grace and forgiveness. Remember, you’re trying to develop a long-term opportunity to influence them.

Love them more than their life. You may not love all the decisions they are making. You may even think they are making a mistake. Again, if there’s an open door to share your insight — share it. I find writing a letter is sometimes the best way, especially if communication is strained. But, the fact is again, you are not raising — you’re influencing. And, they may or may not accept your influence. So, love them — generously and unconditionally — more than you love the current decisions they are making with their life. And, make sure they know how unconditional your love is also. It will guard your influence — if not now — in the future. And, you’ll be very thankful you did in the days ahead. 

Guard the heart. Guard your heart and theirs – above all else (Proverbs 4:23). Keep in mind you want the opportunity to speak into their life for years to come. Be intentional here. Be careful making statements or doing things you may later regret or that will push them further away from you. When you pray, pray for their heart – and yours. Just as you tried to protect their heart all those years they were in your home, keep protecting their heart. 

Hopefully, if influence is protected, if they can understand your intentions towards them are good and you will have invitation to speak into their life, from your success, your failure, and your experience. 

And, lastly, remember, you raised them for this. You raised them to be adults and to embrace the world and to take risks and to be themselves and to be who God designed them to be. They’ll explore just as you did and they’ll make mistakes just as you did. Lord willing, and with good intentionality, your best days (and some of the funnest days) are still to come as a parent. 

Happy parenting! I’m just saying...

Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll

Some people are afraid to press the link. We can’t talk about this at home, but the internet, anything goes? Of course that was the slogan, “anything goes,” of the sixties. Lax discipline, free love, and a morality based on the desires of the flesh. It was suppose to usher in an era of enlightenment, as drug induced experiences elevated us into a new plain of existence. How did that go for them? I rode the waves of the hippie generation, in but not really of it. Not involved in drugs but definitely living for self. 

God reflects His character in us. We are the image barrier of God, but sin has marred that image, and telling children what not to do is insufficient. Parents not only need to teach, but to model God’s image in them. Proverbs tells us, 

A good name is to be chosen rather than great riches...The prudent sees danger and hides himself...The reward for humility and fear of the Lord is riches and honor and life...Thorns and snares are in the way of the crooked; whoever guards his soul will keep far from them...Drive out a scoffer, and strife will go out...He who loves purity of heart, and whose speech is gracious, will have the king as his friend...The sluggard says, “There is a lion outside! I shall be killed in the streets!” The mouth of forbidden women is a deep pit...to make you know what is right and true, that you may give a true answer to those who sent you...Do you see a man skillful in his work? He will stand before kings.

A name says everything about a person; his character, his reputation, and his trustworthiness. A man with a good name:

1. Cares about his conduct before God and others.
2. Humbles himself before others because he fears the Lord
3. Is On guard against the a perverse and crooked generation whose attitude is negative and complaining.
4. Is pure in heart and has a grateful attitude. 
5. Works hard and learns a trade to better himself and the people around him.

“Son, remember you’re a Perkins.” What would my boys say that means? Is it honorable, respected, and is it godly. Discipline is the tool we use to build these characteristics in our children. We teach them that hard work is purposeful, that giving is good, that a positive outlook in life is catchy, and that a pure heart is most attractive. The world would have us think the opposite; leisure is the goal, close friends is community, crudeness is being real, and immorality is freedom from the old puritanical ways; all the while believing the world owes them something. How do we train up our children to chose what is right?

1. Time. The number one thing children want from their parents is active time together. Go on picnics, ride bikes, play games, and lose once in a while men.
2. Teach. Information at age appropriate levels is always good. Teaching children to read the Bible. Explain to them who God is, His handiwork, and his love for them (go get ice cream).
3. Transparent. Be transparent before your children. Let them see you win and fail. They will watch to see if you apologize like you tell them to. Their eyes are always looking to see if you lie, steal, yell, and curse god. When you are a good example of the characteristics you are trying to instill, they will want to be like you when they grow up.

Loving, consistent, discipline. Time, Teaching, Transparency. These are the essentials for developing the next godly generation. They are frame works to guide in the adventure called parenting. 

Tomorrow: “Watching them walk down the road.”  I’m just saying...

Dad, Teach Me To Dance

I’ve had two dance lessons in my life. Square Dancing in the 4th grade, in Altas, Oklahoma. The second was with my wife, Rebecca for an anniversary. We went for a two hour ballroom dance, private, lesson. That’s pretty much the last time I danced, accept for weddings which I will venture out for slow dancing with my wife. It’s not that I don’t like dancing, or that I think it is wrong. I just don’t have any rhythm, so why subject people to a lot of awkwardness. 

I have, however, come to the conclusion that if I had a daughter I would have learned, mainly so that she would know how a true gentleman treats a woman (let’s not go where you’re thinking, I do treat my wife like a true gentleman, just not on the dance floor). There is just something about teaching them as a child and then the last dance at their wedding (stop it, I’m tearing up). At any rate I have three boys and I taught them how to play paintball.

Training your children to grow up as godly young men and women is much like dancing. If you do it right, keeping in the rhythm, and knowing how to lead, they will most likely turn out strong in their faith. Over the next couple of days I want to explore how to engage our children in the dance.

How do we successfully pass to the next generation a passion for God? Proverbs 22:6 instructs us, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” This isn’t a promise, but a proverb, and proverbs are general rules, that if this done, the out come is most likely this. But what does it mean to train up a child in the way they should go? If you read the proverb in the context of proverbs chapter 22, there are some very instructive insights to the question. So I am going to do a no, no in the blog world, I am going to have you read a very long text. Here is Proverbs 22, and observe the highlighted words.

A good name is to be chosen rather than great riches, and favor is better than silver or gold.

The rich and the poor meet together; the Lord is the Maker of them all.

The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.

The reward for humility and fear of the Lord is riches and honor and life.

Thorns and snares are in the way of the crooked; whoever guards his soul will keep far from them.

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

The rich rules over the poor, and the borrower is the slave of the lender.

Whoever sows injustice will reap calamity, and the rod of his fury will fail.

Whoever has a bountiful eye will be blessed, for he shares his bread with the poor.

Drive out a scoffer, and strife will go out, and quarreling and abuse will cease.

He who loves purity of heart, and whose speech is gracious, will have the king as his friend.

The eyes of the Lord keep watch over knowledge, but he overthrows the words of the traitor.

The sluggard says, “There is a lion outside! I shall be killed in the streets!”

The mouth of forbidden women is a deep pit; he with whom the Lord is angry will fall into it.

Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.

Whoever oppresses the poor to increase his own wealth, or gives to the rich, will only come to poverty. Words of the Wise Incline your ear, and hear the words of the wise, and apply your heart to my knowledge, for it will be pleasant if you keep them within you, if all of them are ready on your lips. That your trust may be in the Lord, I have made them known to you today, even to you.

Have I not written for you thirty sayings of counsel and knowledge, to make you know what is right and true, that you may give a true answer to those who sent you? Do not rob the poor, because he is poor, or crush the afflicted at the gate, for the Lord will plead their cause and rob of life those who rob them. Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare. Be not one of those who give pledges, who put up security for debts. If you have nothing with which to pay, why should your bed be taken from under you? Do not move the ancient landmark that your fathers have set. Do you see a man skillful in his work? He will stand before kings; he will not stand before obscure men.”

Let’s list the highlighted words and phrases and see what kinds of instruction the proverb gives us for training up a righteous generation.

1. Good name (favor)
2. The Lord is maker of both the rich and poor
3. Fear of the Lord
1. God shows himself trustworthy
4. Training a child in the way he should go and he will not depart from it.
5. Don’t go into debt (borrow is a slave to the lender)
1. Don’t go into debt
2. Prudent
6. Unjust people will reap what they sow
1. Seek what is right and true 
7. Don’t hang around with negative people
1. Don’t make friends with angry and wrathfilled people.
8. Pure heart
1. Stay away from pornography, prostitution, and immoral person
2. Guards his soul 
9. Gracious speech
1. Humility 
10. The Lord watch’s over those who seek knowledge
1. Apply your heart to God’s knowledge
11. Don’t be lazy
1. Work hard and develop a skill
12. Don’t spare the rod of discipline
13. Don’t oppress the poor
1. Don’t rob the poor 

Above is a road map to training up the next generation of godly followers of Jesus. The question is how to apply the characteristic in such a way that builds faith and doesn’t drive our children away. Within the above characteristics are some tools that will help. Tomorrow we will look at the disciplines that God has given to facilitate the process. 

Tomorrow “Spare the rod, waste a good stick... and other myths”. I’m just saying... 

Because I Said So

Children in the first century didn't have any rights. They were under the absolute authority of their father. He literally had their life in their hands. That is why it was important for them to be obedient, because it brought them longer life. Yet, the gospel redeems children from the brutality of the world and lifts them up as valuable in the eyes of God, and therefore, in the eyes of fathers.

The Apostle Paul gives father's very specific instructions on how to relate to their children. First, he doesn't single out boys. This is important because in the first century father's had little to do with their daughters specifically and children generally. Wives raised children until they were close to their teens, at which point the father took his son under his wing and taught him the family trade. Girls remained in the home and under their mothers care until they were married. By identifying children in this command Paul raises the status of not just children but girls as well (if you remember in Proverbs the writer always addressed the sons).

Secondly, Paul instructs fathers not to provoke their children to anger. The Greek word means to exasperate or irritate. When seeking the unity within the home (and thus in the church) father's have a responsibility to treat their children with respect. But what does it mean not irritate your children? I am sure my boys could tell you that I irritated them all the time, whether it was through discipline or embarrassment (and I don't think the Apostle would deprive a father of the joy of embarrassing his children in front of their friends).

There is nothing more exasperating then demanding unreasonable expectations. Mothers are more compassionate, but fathers tend to tell their children to stop crying and get over it. Unreasonable expectations are the sign of weak parenting. Each child is different. They have different personalities, different, gifts, different intellectual and physical capabilities. Parents who expect the same from each child hasn't taken the opportunity to learn about their children's particular needs.

Unreasonable expectations sets the course of the child's life. Parents who decide for their children what they will be, what career they will pursue, what person they will marry, or what school they will attend exasperate children who are trying to make their own way. Good parenting sees how a child is bent and guides them in the way they should go.

Unreasonable expectations does not allow for free exchange of ideas and emotions. "Because I said so," may be true, but it stifles communication, reasoning skills, and compromise. I don't believe you can reason with a two year old and I have watched mothers argue with toddlers trying to get them to understand and obey. Explaining is an important tool in the growth of the child, and encourages them to use reasoning skills. A simple explanation for a toddler and a conversation with a teenager. When parents engage their children in the rationale of their decision it helps children to form good reasoning skills. They may not agree with the decision and you might have to end with "because I said so," but it should never be the starting point. 

The third part of Paul's instructions is for the father to engage in the discipline and instruction of his children. Parents should always display a united front before the children. That means parents need to agree on discipline techniques, standards for video games, TV, and friends. Children are good at divide and conquer,mane if parents don't agree then watch out.

Our boys hated the answer to their question, "let me talk to you mom (or dad)." Ahhhh, they would say. "Mom said I needed to ask you." Which meant Rebecca and I needed to talk. We typically agreed that the most conservative opinion was followed. I was more apt to let them wander the streets aimlessly. But usually if Rebecca or I said no that was the answer. 

Parents need to parent ahead of their children. Too often parenting is reactionary and last minute. But looking at the next stage of your child's development  and determining your decisions ahead of time takes a lot of pressure out parenting. That's why the third child is easier. By then you have figured out what battles are worth fighting. Thinking ahead with the first child will help eliminate unreasonable expectations.

Parenting should be in the Lord. There is nothing more frightening then your children walking away from the faith. Parents hover, protect, and manipulate to keep this from happening. In the end the child must make his own decisions. Again discipline and instruction in the Lord means there is a base or moral expectations and personal value that shapes parental discipline and instruction. 

This includes theology and the disciplines of the faith. It means teaching didacticly and by example. It means serving your children and teaching them to serve. It means asking for forgiveness and extending grace. It means knowing when punishment is redemptive and mercy preferable. It means being sure of what you believe, but allowing room for questions of doubt. It means guiding not pushing. It means eventually letting go and trusting the Holy Spirit.

I have three godly young men who have married godly women and it brings joy to my soul. They are different and are finding their way in life differently. We don't agree on every point of our faith, but we are free to express lovingly our points of view. Parenting never ends, but it morphs and grows. I am thankful that my children still want to talk with me about life and faith, and I hope that the mistakes I have made as a father have been covered by the grace of God and my children's love.

Their are few guarantees in parenting, but their are clear instructions. Have at it..I'm just saying...

Ephesians 6:4 "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."

Listen to me, LISTEN to me, LISTEN TO ME!

Listen to me. LISTEN to me. LISTEN TO ME!  There is nothing more frustrating when you are trying to get your children to do something and they tune you out. There are strategies that parents use to facilitate their selective hearing. 

"Turn off the TV and look at me"

"Take off the ear phones and listen to me"

"Look me in the eyes, do you understand what I am saying to you."

We know that listening, hearing, and understanding comes only when all of a child's senses are focused on the conversation. Listening and understanding is the basis for obedience.

The Apostle told the children of the Ephesian church that they were to do two things: obey and honor.

The word obey is from the same root word as submit used previously in regard to wives and husbands. The difference is that wives submit by willingly placing themselves under the influence of their husbands, while children listen with the intent to obey.

It takes us back to Proverbs where the writer instructs the reader to listen to wisdom, heed her words, follow her instruction and it will be well with you. In the same way children are to listen to the wisdom of their parents and to submit to their experience so that it will be well with them.

Children are by nature selfish creatures. Oh, they do cute things, they snuggle, they kiss, and they can smile to melt the heart of any parent. But leave the room and they will devise ways to get around any prohibition, been there/done that. Therefore, parents are constantly teaching their children to listen and obey using different techniques and strategies so that the child will grow up and be godly. It is the child's responsibility, then, to obey. Life is so much better when both parties participate willingly.

The second thing children are to do is to honor their parents. The word is an action word that means, to manifest consideration towards, to treat favorably, to visit with marks of favor. Children can't honor their parents and not show that honor with tangible action.

My children have told me that I should treat them well because they will be picking out my nursing home. It's all in fun, but for some the sentiment is true. Their children hold animosity in their hearts and can't wait to unload them.

Honor, however, choses to hold the parent in high regard whether they deserve it or not. The passage doesn't say that when parents act honorably then treat them with honor. Honor is an act of selfless love. 

Honor obeys

Honor listens

Honor speaks well 

Honor respects

Honor submits

Honor calls

Honor visits

When a child listens, obeys, and honors there is a promise, life will go well and they will live long in the land. This is an Old Testament promise to Israel. Culturally father's could kill disobedient children, obedience meant long life. But it also meant that God would preserve them in the land. Obedience meant following after their parents faith and obeying the law. These actions brought God's favor and he would allow them to stay in the land. Otherwise he would discipline them by sending them into captivity. 

Today, when there is harmony in the home, both children and parents are healthier, emotionally and physically. There is less worry and stress which leads to health issues. When children are obedient life goes smoother.

The word children applies to anyone of descent who still lives with their parents. So, whether you are four or forty if you are still living off your parents then you are to listen and obey.

I have three boys who honor me. They haven't always listened and obeyed, but the pattern of their lives exhibited the characteristics of obedience and honor. I have no greater joy then to know that they follow the Lord and have families of their own. I enjoy spending time with them and marvel at what God has done in their lives. 

 The only greater joy is to see them have children of their own. Well, because what goes around comes around. I'm just saying.

Ephesians 6:1,2 "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”