Gratitude Schmatitude — What’s The Big Deal

Ever since I was a little kid, my mom would remind me, “Paul, say please and thank you.” I can understand the please, it’s a requisite to getting something. But the “thank you” part seems unnecessary. Why should I say thank you for someone doing their job, for a mother’s love, or for a polite gesture from a complete stranger, for that matter. I didn’t ask them to open the door. I mean, if they did it for the response, then where is the ultruism in the act? It’s not that I think I am entitled to the goodness of others, it’s just that the goodness should be displayed regardless of a thank you. 

My mother complained to me one time that my brother didn’t appreciate all that she had done for him. “If only he would say thank you. Is that too much to ask?” I told here if his ingratitude bothered her so much, then maybe she should stop giving to him, or doing so much for him. It’s much easier to complain about others ingratitude than to own up to the fact that it is the comments of appreciation that are coveted. 

Gratitude is an expression of appreciation for an act of kindness shown by someone else. The greater the act of kindness the greater the expression of gratitude. Gratuity that we pay at restaurants is a prime example. Often the reciept will give suggested options (I’ve never seen one under ten percent). The greater the service, kindness, and promptness impacts the rate of which I pay in gratitude. It’s the same way in life, and in our spiritual lives as well.

Maybe that’s why the Bible talks a lot about Gratitude. Imagine standing at your window, watching the snow blow gently across your lawn. How marvelous to know that it wasn’t a mistake, that God works all things together for good. Each morning is a gift for which we should express gratitude. Each breath is a gift for which we should give thanks. When all the mornings and all the breaths are taken away, may our hearts take flight for the greatest of loves, and our tongue confess gratitude for His glory above.

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit”1 Thess. 5:16b-19.

Gratitude is God’s will. Gratitude opens the door for the Spirit to work. Gratitude is on-going and in EVERY situation. Gratitude is the borromotor of our spiritual health. So today I would like to express my gratitude:

1. For the saving love of Jesus, and the life giving Spirit that dwells in me.
2. For my wife, who is the living example of Christ’s love in my life.
3. For my children, daughter-in-laws, grandchildren, and Abrar (my Bahraini daughter) who are the joy of my life.
4. For a church family (warts and all) who is willing to walk through this messy life together, offering grace, expressing love, and chastising when appropriate.
5. For the means to live comfortably and to bless others when needed.
6. The freedom of liberty that our country enjoys by the grace of God.

There is much more that I will express in the privacy of my prayer, but for now I want to say thank you, to you, for what you mean to me. I’m just saying.

What I am Thanful for—the grandnephews and nieces

What are you thankful for?

Grand Nephew 1. “It can’t be for the turkey. I’m thankful for church.”

Me. “Why are you thankful for church?

Grand nephew 1. Pause...”I just am.”

Me. “That’s good, I’m thankful for church because it’s where we go to worship together.”

Grand niece 1. “I’m thankful for food.”

Me. “Why are you thankful for food?”

Grand niece 1. “Because it keeps us from starving.”

Me. “Well, we didn’t starve today, did we?”

Grand nephew 2. “I’m thankful for family, because they give you someone to play with.”

Me. “Why are you, oh,...playing with family can be a lot of fun.”

Grand niece 2. “I’m thankful for God.”

Me. “Why are you thankful for God?”

Grand niece 2. “Because he made everything.”

Me. “That’s right, and I’m glad he made you.”

Grand niece 3 (eyes old). “Unintelligible.”

Me. “I know what you mean.”

Me. “I’m thankful for Grandchildren, no matter whose they are, because they tie me over until I get to see mine.” At the end of the evening they each gave me as big a hug as they could to hold me over until my grandchildren come in a few weeks. I don’t know about you, but I had a great Thanksgiving! Oh, yea, and the Turkey was great too! I’m just saying...

Dad, Teach Me To Dance

I’ve had two dance lessons in my life. Square Dancing in the 4th grade, in Altas, Oklahoma. The second was with my wife, Rebecca for an anniversary. We went for a two hour ballroom dance, private, lesson. That’s pretty much the last time I danced, accept for weddings which I will venture out for slow dancing with my wife. It’s not that I don’t like dancing, or that I think it is wrong. I just don’t have any rhythm, so why subject people to a lot of awkwardness. 

I have, however, come to the conclusion that if I had a daughter I would have learned, mainly so that she would know how a true gentleman treats a woman (let’s not go where you’re thinking, I do treat my wife like a true gentleman, just not on the dance floor). There is just something about teaching them as a child and then the last dance at their wedding (stop it, I’m tearing up). At any rate I have three boys and I taught them how to play paintball.

Training your children to grow up as godly young men and women is much like dancing. If you do it right, keeping in the rhythm, and knowing how to lead, they will most likely turn out strong in their faith. Over the next couple of days I want to explore how to engage our children in the dance.

How do we successfully pass to the next generation a passion for God? Proverbs 22:6 instructs us, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” This isn’t a promise, but a proverb, and proverbs are general rules, that if this done, the out come is most likely this. But what does it mean to train up a child in the way they should go? If you read the proverb in the context of proverbs chapter 22, there are some very instructive insights to the question. So I am going to do a no, no in the blog world, I am going to have you read a very long text. Here is Proverbs 22, and observe the highlighted words.

A good name is to be chosen rather than great riches, and favor is better than silver or gold.

The rich and the poor meet together; the Lord is the Maker of them all.

The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.

The reward for humility and fear of the Lord is riches and honor and life.

Thorns and snares are in the way of the crooked; whoever guards his soul will keep far from them.

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

The rich rules over the poor, and the borrower is the slave of the lender.

Whoever sows injustice will reap calamity, and the rod of his fury will fail.

Whoever has a bountiful eye will be blessed, for he shares his bread with the poor.

Drive out a scoffer, and strife will go out, and quarreling and abuse will cease.

He who loves purity of heart, and whose speech is gracious, will have the king as his friend.

The eyes of the Lord keep watch over knowledge, but he overthrows the words of the traitor.

The sluggard says, “There is a lion outside! I shall be killed in the streets!”

The mouth of forbidden women is a deep pit; he with whom the Lord is angry will fall into it.

Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.

Whoever oppresses the poor to increase his own wealth, or gives to the rich, will only come to poverty. Words of the Wise Incline your ear, and hear the words of the wise, and apply your heart to my knowledge, for it will be pleasant if you keep them within you, if all of them are ready on your lips. That your trust may be in the Lord, I have made them known to you today, even to you.

Have I not written for you thirty sayings of counsel and knowledge, to make you know what is right and true, that you may give a true answer to those who sent you? Do not rob the poor, because he is poor, or crush the afflicted at the gate, for the Lord will plead their cause and rob of life those who rob them. Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare. Be not one of those who give pledges, who put up security for debts. If you have nothing with which to pay, why should your bed be taken from under you? Do not move the ancient landmark that your fathers have set. Do you see a man skillful in his work? He will stand before kings; he will not stand before obscure men.”

Let’s list the highlighted words and phrases and see what kinds of instruction the proverb gives us for training up a righteous generation.

1. Good name (favor)
2. The Lord is maker of both the rich and poor
3. Fear of the Lord
1. God shows himself trustworthy
4. Training a child in the way he should go and he will not depart from it.
5. Don’t go into debt (borrow is a slave to the lender)
1. Don’t go into debt
2. Prudent
6. Unjust people will reap what they sow
1. Seek what is right and true 
7. Don’t hang around with negative people
1. Don’t make friends with angry and wrathfilled people.
8. Pure heart
1. Stay away from pornography, prostitution, and immoral person
2. Guards his soul 
9. Gracious speech
1. Humility 
10. The Lord watch’s over those who seek knowledge
1. Apply your heart to God’s knowledge
11. Don’t be lazy
1. Work hard and develop a skill
12. Don’t spare the rod of discipline
13. Don’t oppress the poor
1. Don’t rob the poor 

Above is a road map to training up the next generation of godly followers of Jesus. The question is how to apply the characteristic in such a way that builds faith and doesn’t drive our children away. Within the above characteristics are some tools that will help. Tomorrow we will look at the disciplines that God has given to facilitate the process. 

Tomorrow “Spare the rod, waste a good stick... and other myths”. I’m just saying... 

Because I Said So

Children in the first century didn't have any rights. They were under the absolute authority of their father. He literally had their life in their hands. That is why it was important for them to be obedient, because it brought them longer life. Yet, the gospel redeems children from the brutality of the world and lifts them up as valuable in the eyes of God, and therefore, in the eyes of fathers.

The Apostle Paul gives father's very specific instructions on how to relate to their children. First, he doesn't single out boys. This is important because in the first century father's had little to do with their daughters specifically and children generally. Wives raised children until they were close to their teens, at which point the father took his son under his wing and taught him the family trade. Girls remained in the home and under their mothers care until they were married. By identifying children in this command Paul raises the status of not just children but girls as well (if you remember in Proverbs the writer always addressed the sons).

Secondly, Paul instructs fathers not to provoke their children to anger. The Greek word means to exasperate or irritate. When seeking the unity within the home (and thus in the church) father's have a responsibility to treat their children with respect. But what does it mean not irritate your children? I am sure my boys could tell you that I irritated them all the time, whether it was through discipline or embarrassment (and I don't think the Apostle would deprive a father of the joy of embarrassing his children in front of their friends).

There is nothing more exasperating then demanding unreasonable expectations. Mothers are more compassionate, but fathers tend to tell their children to stop crying and get over it. Unreasonable expectations are the sign of weak parenting. Each child is different. They have different personalities, different, gifts, different intellectual and physical capabilities. Parents who expect the same from each child hasn't taken the opportunity to learn about their children's particular needs.

Unreasonable expectations sets the course of the child's life. Parents who decide for their children what they will be, what career they will pursue, what person they will marry, or what school they will attend exasperate children who are trying to make their own way. Good parenting sees how a child is bent and guides them in the way they should go.

Unreasonable expectations does not allow for free exchange of ideas and emotions. "Because I said so," may be true, but it stifles communication, reasoning skills, and compromise. I don't believe you can reason with a two year old and I have watched mothers argue with toddlers trying to get them to understand and obey. Explaining is an important tool in the growth of the child, and encourages them to use reasoning skills. A simple explanation for a toddler and a conversation with a teenager. When parents engage their children in the rationale of their decision it helps children to form good reasoning skills. They may not agree with the decision and you might have to end with "because I said so," but it should never be the starting point. 

The third part of Paul's instructions is for the father to engage in the discipline and instruction of his children. Parents should always display a united front before the children. That means parents need to agree on discipline techniques, standards for video games, TV, and friends. Children are good at divide and conquer,mane if parents don't agree then watch out.

Our boys hated the answer to their question, "let me talk to you mom (or dad)." Ahhhh, they would say. "Mom said I needed to ask you." Which meant Rebecca and I needed to talk. We typically agreed that the most conservative opinion was followed. I was more apt to let them wander the streets aimlessly. But usually if Rebecca or I said no that was the answer. 

Parents need to parent ahead of their children. Too often parenting is reactionary and last minute. But looking at the next stage of your child's development  and determining your decisions ahead of time takes a lot of pressure out parenting. That's why the third child is easier. By then you have figured out what battles are worth fighting. Thinking ahead with the first child will help eliminate unreasonable expectations.

Parenting should be in the Lord. There is nothing more frightening then your children walking away from the faith. Parents hover, protect, and manipulate to keep this from happening. In the end the child must make his own decisions. Again discipline and instruction in the Lord means there is a base or moral expectations and personal value that shapes parental discipline and instruction. 

This includes theology and the disciplines of the faith. It means teaching didacticly and by example. It means serving your children and teaching them to serve. It means asking for forgiveness and extending grace. It means knowing when punishment is redemptive and mercy preferable. It means being sure of what you believe, but allowing room for questions of doubt. It means guiding not pushing. It means eventually letting go and trusting the Holy Spirit.

I have three godly young men who have married godly women and it brings joy to my soul. They are different and are finding their way in life differently. We don't agree on every point of our faith, but we are free to express lovingly our points of view. Parenting never ends, but it morphs and grows. I am thankful that my children still want to talk with me about life and faith, and I hope that the mistakes I have made as a father have been covered by the grace of God and my children's love.

Their are few guarantees in parenting, but their are clear instructions. Have at it..I'm just saying...

Ephesians 6:4 "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."

Listen to me, LISTEN to me, LISTEN TO ME!

Listen to me. LISTEN to me. LISTEN TO ME!  There is nothing more frustrating when you are trying to get your children to do something and they tune you out. There are strategies that parents use to facilitate their selective hearing. 

"Turn off the TV and look at me"

"Take off the ear phones and listen to me"

"Look me in the eyes, do you understand what I am saying to you."

We know that listening, hearing, and understanding comes only when all of a child's senses are focused on the conversation. Listening and understanding is the basis for obedience.

The Apostle told the children of the Ephesian church that they were to do two things: obey and honor.

The word obey is from the same root word as submit used previously in regard to wives and husbands. The difference is that wives submit by willingly placing themselves under the influence of their husbands, while children listen with the intent to obey.

It takes us back to Proverbs where the writer instructs the reader to listen to wisdom, heed her words, follow her instruction and it will be well with you. In the same way children are to listen to the wisdom of their parents and to submit to their experience so that it will be well with them.

Children are by nature selfish creatures. Oh, they do cute things, they snuggle, they kiss, and they can smile to melt the heart of any parent. But leave the room and they will devise ways to get around any prohibition, been there/done that. Therefore, parents are constantly teaching their children to listen and obey using different techniques and strategies so that the child will grow up and be godly. It is the child's responsibility, then, to obey. Life is so much better when both parties participate willingly.

The second thing children are to do is to honor their parents. The word is an action word that means, to manifest consideration towards, to treat favorably, to visit with marks of favor. Children can't honor their parents and not show that honor with tangible action.

My children have told me that I should treat them well because they will be picking out my nursing home. It's all in fun, but for some the sentiment is true. Their children hold animosity in their hearts and can't wait to unload them.

Honor, however, choses to hold the parent in high regard whether they deserve it or not. The passage doesn't say that when parents act honorably then treat them with honor. Honor is an act of selfless love. 

Honor obeys

Honor listens

Honor speaks well 

Honor respects

Honor submits

Honor calls

Honor visits

When a child listens, obeys, and honors there is a promise, life will go well and they will live long in the land. This is an Old Testament promise to Israel. Culturally father's could kill disobedient children, obedience meant long life. But it also meant that God would preserve them in the land. Obedience meant following after their parents faith and obeying the law. These actions brought God's favor and he would allow them to stay in the land. Otherwise he would discipline them by sending them into captivity. 

Today, when there is harmony in the home, both children and parents are healthier, emotionally and physically. There is less worry and stress which leads to health issues. When children are obedient life goes smoother.

The word children applies to anyone of descent who still lives with their parents. So, whether you are four or forty if you are still living off your parents then you are to listen and obey.

I have three boys who honor me. They haven't always listened and obeyed, but the pattern of their lives exhibited the characteristics of obedience and honor. I have no greater joy then to know that they follow the Lord and have families of their own. I enjoy spending time with them and marvel at what God has done in their lives. 

 The only greater joy is to see them have children of their own. Well, because what goes around comes around. I'm just saying.

Ephesians 6:1,2 "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”