Spare the rod, waste a good stick

A few years ago, the story was told, that an American boy, living in Singapore, was caught keying cars. There is no such thing as little crimes in Singapore. He was tried, found guilty, and sentenced to caning. An out cry from the U.S. could be heard around the world, except for in Singapore. The crime rate is so low that people feel safe there, second only to Tokyo. Their surveillance, strict laws and swift discipline has curbed the crime rate drastically. The west, however, has seen crime increase and speedy trials decrease. 

Caning is not new or foreign. The principle of slapping nuckles is the same. In fact my own experience with American caning taught me some valuable lessons. In the third grade spelling was difficult for me, and often I had to take my failing marks home to be signed by my parents. My brothers, to my surprise, were willing to help. They showed me a fool proof way to forge my mom’s name. Well, fool proof to a third grader. My third grade teacher saw right through it, and my lie received three wacks with the school paddle (Remember the good ole days). Did it work? Ask my ninth grade teacher (that’s right 9th grade). I am not advocating any form of discipline at this point, but I think my generation swung the pendulum too far the other way. What does Proverbs have to tell us?

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him...Have I not written for you thirty sayings of counsel and knowledge, to make you know what is right and true...Words of the Wise Incline your ear, and hear the words of the wise, and apply your heart to my knowledge...Do you see a man skillful in his work? 

Everyone craves three things, even our children: 1. A spiritual experience, 2. Loving relationships, and 3. Purpose.  But sin has warped every good thing and turned us toward selfishness and self interest. That’s why we don’t need to teach our children to be bad, only to be good, and there are only three things you need to accomplish good parenting. Are you ready? 1. Loving, 2. Consistent, 3. Discipline, grounded in God’s word. 

We teach our children that God loves them, but they experience that love through us. The greatest gift parents can give their children is to love each other with all their hearts. Sin tells us that children are resilient and weather their parents’ divorce, that it is better for everyone if spouses split. Homes are better without abusive parents, but that isn’t what I’m getting at. Before you have children, while you have children, and after your children are gone, your primary relationship is with your spouse. If you love one another you will not have a problem loving your children, and they will not have a problem loving God. Read Ephesians 5:22.

Consistency is a challenge when it comes to disciplining our children, for two reasons. First, those little faces are so adorable who could ever discipline them. Secondly, they are the biggest terrors to walk the face of the earth and you will do anything to shut them up (deep breath). Yet, children thrive under consistency, because then they know what to expect. They will try you, they will conjole you to get what they want, but in the end their little psyches need parents who are strong and loving, not wish washy friends.

Discipline is often confused with punishment. Discipline can be harsh or soft depending on the situation, but discipline is always for the child’s benefit. Discipline is a military word that focuses on performing the same task over and over until the soldier acquires the necessary skill. It is the same with children, they learn early that good behavior is rewarded and poor behavior inolves pain. The reward part is easy, so let’s talk about pain. In early childhood it is important that defiance receives the harshest discipline, but other acts of disobedience should have discipline that fits the offense. 

If I asked my son to not touched something he is not suppose to touch, he was sternly told no, and engaged in another activity. If he went back to the object the discipline was repeated. If he did it a third time his hand was flicked. If he did it again his hand was flicked. If he did it again he was spanked. Each time the severity grew and applied consistently. After each flick or spanking his offense and punishment was explained with a hug, reassuring him of our love. As my boys grew older the same process was repeated with age appropriate discipline and punishment. By the time they were teenagers we had gained their respect, they knew what to expect, and our love for them was unquestioned. 

We failed often, but those were teaching times when we would confess our own sin, apologize, and asked them for forgiveness. There were tense moments and tender moments, but over all, if you are loving, consistent, and disciplined, your children will grow up in the way they should go. This is nothing new, it is how God treats us. 

Tomorrow will be “sex, drugs, and rock and roll.”  I’m just saying.

I Get No Respect

I was dismayed as I looked at the meaning of the Greek word for respect. It means to fear, be apprehensive, alarmed, and fearfully impressed. I thought, "is this the the attitude Paul expected of wives?" 

We must always look at context, because in it we find the contrast that husbands are to love. Fear is not the appropriate response to love. In fact Paul said elsewhere that perfect love casts out fear. So given the ideal that he presents in Ephesians for married couples how do we understand the word respect. 

There is another translation that fits the word, and it is to reverence or to hold in high regard. Wives are to submit to their husbands by holding them high regard. This isn't as easy as it sounds because men have the tendency to fail at meeting the expectations of their wives. You can hear wives say, "I love him but I just don't respect him." Paul doesn't admonish wives to love, but to submit and respect. Maybe it is because respect is the more difficult attitude of wives toward their husband. "I get no respect" should never be a husbands mantra. Let's get to it, what does respect look like.

 1. Don't insult him or make fun of him. As tough as men say they are their egos are fragile when it comes to their wives. They can take abuse from everyone, but it becomes personal when it is their wives.

2. Listen to him when he speaks. You might think that women are better listeners, but when it comes to hearing what their husbands are saying it is more of an art. Men don't share feelings to the same extent as women. Listening is hearing past the words to the intent. I always tell Rebecca to say what she means, but then I don't do it when she asks how I am feeling. 

3. Value his opinion. This is a tough one, especially if you believe your husband doesn't have very good ones. Valuing an opinion is different for men then women. Rebecca asks my opinion because she wants a variety of choices. But when I give give my opinion I expect it to be acted on. It frustrates me to no end when she asks my opinion and then does the exact opposite. If that is your decision making process, whatever he says do the opposite, I would suggest you change your strategy. 

4. Be considerate of his likes and dislikes. Most women are nurtures so this comes naturally. Rebecca is constantly considering what I like when it comes to food, movies, and vacations. The only downside to this is when I ask where she wants to go out to eat. I'll eat almost anywhere and because she constantly is thinking about what I like I want to be as sensitive. But when it becomes a fight as to who is the most gracious I feel my attempt at consideration is not respected. Remember my fragile ego.

5. Don't mock or ridicule him in public or in private. Husbands, as well as wives, should always feel protected, especially when they are not there to protect themselves. Men put their wives down in front of the guys as a joke, looking to build themselves up in front of the men. Women complain about their husbands failures looking for sympathy and support. Neither is a good way to respect the other.

Behind every great man is a women who has highly respected him. The general rule is that men will love their wives more deeply if they feel respected. It may be as simple as a taking his arm in public because you are proud to be by his side, or praising him in front of others for the one thing he finally did on your list (not mockingly).

I have to say that Rebecca respects me and makes me feel successful as a husband, as a father, and as a man. This is important because the world often tells me a different story. Thank you Rebecca, I'm just saying.

Ephesians 5:33 "let the wife see that she respects her husband."

1 Peter 3:1,2 "Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct."