Anatomy of Offense: You Did What?

In a previous blog I pointed out that all offenses fall into two categories, justified and feeling justified.  How should we respond when a person has truly offended us?  There are two passages that are often used to guide us in our response, Matthew 5:23 and 18:15.

The context of Matthew 5:23 is set in a court of law.  In other words, if your brother has something against you that is so egregious that needs to be taken to a court of law, go to him and be reconciled.  The emphasis is not on the one offended but on the offender.  In the course of contemplation and prayer, God reveals to his heart that he has unjustly done harm to a brother and needs to seek reconciliation before he can truly grow in his relationship with God.

In this passage there is no talk about the person who has been offended.  The inference is that he may take them to court, but that isn’t the motivation on the part of the offender.  His motivation is because he has been convicted of his sin while worshipping.  He obviously knew about the offense, but had not felt it important enough for a response.  It is in the presence of God he is moved to seek reconciliation.  There is no indication that his efforts will be successful.  Rather it is the changed heart of the offender and his desire to seek forgiveness and reconciliation that is at the core of Jesus’ teaching.

The context of Matthew 18:15 is about restoration as well, but from the other direction.  If someone has sinned, then you go to the person in private, so that they will have an opportunity to repent and be restored to both you and God.  If they persist in their sin then you bring someone with you.  If there is still is no movement toward reconciliation then you bring it before the church.   The passage isn’t talking about offense against a person specifically, but rather someone in sin generally.  Yet, it can apply to the person who has been sinned against.

The question boils down to the offense; is it sinful?  A justified offense is one where the intent is to do harm.  If I lie about you, gossip, treat you disrespectfully, physically hurt or oppress you, and so forth.  When a person has attacked you personally to do harm their sin needs to be addressed.  The motivation should always be reconciliation.

Steps to dealing with a justified offense:

1.  Don’t talk about it to other people (unless you are in danger of physical harm, a law is broken, or death is imminent).  Most justified offenses don’t fall into these categories and people often talk to everyone other than the one who has been offensive.

2.  Go to the person who has offended you and talk to them.  If they continue in their offense…

3.  Take one or two godly people with you and confront them with their behavior or attitude.  If they are persistent in their sin (and make sure it is sin)….

4.  Take it to the church, so that the person will be held accountable to the body for their behavior. 

All this is to be done for one reason only – the restoration of a brother from a broken relationship to one that is healthy and whole.  If the offended one is seeking condemnation, revenge, and retribution, then the process will break down and God will not be glorified.  Justified offenses should never be tolerated in the church.  However, my experience is that most people who are “offended,” are so because of feelings.  Are my feelings of offense valid, and if so, what do I do with them.  Next week….I’m just saying.

Anatomy of Offense: Don't feel that way.

Ever felt sad and someone said, "Don't feel sad, be happy." Or maybe you were really happy and someone said, "Why do you have to be so happy?"  No matter how you feel, there will be someone who will tell you to feel differently.  Emotions, however, are uncontrollable.  Some might say they are not emotional, but generally they mean they do not express them outwardly.  We are emotional creatures, God has created us this way, and our emotions, often, come like a flood.

Jesus had emotions.  He celebrated, cried, was sad, and even displayed anger.  Emotions are not sinful.  Sin occurs when we respond to emotions inappropriately.  When a person is offended he/she is feeling something.  There is an underlining feeling that has responded to an event or conversation.  We often believe that a person or event causes the emotion, but that really isn't true.  The person or event may be the trigger or be a catalyst, but it isn't the cause.  If I say that I don't like purple hair, you might be offended.  Have I said anything offensive, or caused you to feel offended?  I merely made a preferential statement.  However, if you had purple hair as a child, and were constantly told you were stupid, you grew up thinking that people with purple hair are stupid.  So, when I said, "I don't like purple hair," you think I have called you stupid and thus feel offended. 

Now, if I say, "all purple hair people I have met are stupid," then I am saying something that personally attacks a group of people, and if you have purple hair and I have just met you then you might feel offended.  Everyone that I have met who have purple hair could feel that way.  If I say, "all purple haired people are stupid," then everyone with purple hair, met or unmet, can rise up against me.  The feelings of offense are triggered, not by truth, but the implications that are being laid.  If you have purple hair and are not stupid, is there a reason for you to be upset?  And if you have purple hair and are stupid, you wouldn’t get it anyway. 

The feelings either come or they don't, and the way we feel isn't as important as why we feel it.  Usually if someone's words offend us it is because the person either holds power over us or we hold them in high esteem.  In other words I care about what that person has to say.  If a racist, intolerant, bigot stands up waving a sigh and shouting, "Purple haired people are dumb, purple haired people are dumb, purple haired people are dumb," I might walk by in disgust but I won't feel hurt or betrayed.  If my father, mother, teacher, pastor, leader, friend says it I am hurt because either:  1) I think maybe it is true, 2)  I feel that they think less of me and I care what they think.

For the offended the question are the feelings.  What do I do with the feelings that are triggered?  First, we need to acknowledge the legitimacy of our feelings.  They are barometers of something going on.  To deny that I get angry, sad, frustrated, hurt, disgusted, or jealous is to ignore what is going on inside and hinders a proper response. 

Secondly, we need to identify the feeling.  What feeling was triggered by the event?  Am I angry because I have purple hair and my parents always told me purple haired people were stupid, or am I angry because I was actually called stupid by the offender? 

Thirdly, we need to own our emotion.  In most cases emotions are triggered and not caused.  I know that seems picky.  I can hit you and cause pain, but I can't cause anger, contempt, fear, or even laughter.  The emotion is based on other factors.  If I hit you and it stings, you may laugh because I am a wimpy hitter.  You may be angry because you think I was trying to harm you.  You might feel fear because you think I am going to hit you again.  You might feel contempt because you feel I have little regard for your happiness.  All the while I was trying to kill the mosquito that was going to bite you.  I caused pain, but the emotions were triggered based on your experience and knowledge. 

Once we realize that our emotions of offense are not caused and are ours; then we can formulate an appropriate response.  Remember, I am not saying that the emotional response of offense is justified or not, but rather the feeling belongs to us, and therefore the response and outcome are in our control.  I'm just say......

Anatomy of Offense: What's In A Word

Rebecca and I were discussing the issue of offense the other night.  She was helping me to better understand the subject.  For me, the word offense or offended is too broad.  The word encompasses more than a single emotion.  Rebecca said that I should replace the word offended with the word hurt.  That helped a little, but the word hurt is too broad as well.  Think of it like this, a man comes into the emergency room screaming, “I am hurting, I am hurting.”  The doctors put him on a gurney and rush him to the operating room and proceed to remove his kidney.  The patent finally wakes and is flabbergasted!  “What have you done,” he cries, “I had a splinter in my big toe!”

Finding the source of the hurt, or the offense, is the only way to truly deal with the issue.  So what does the word offend mean?  There are at least 19 words or variations of words in the Greek and Hebrew that are translated “offend,” "offensive,” or “offended” in the NASB translation.  In the Old Testament the word can be applied to three different situations.  The first is in regard to religious law.  In Jer. 23:13 and Dan. 3:29 the word piggul means offensive smell, putrid and is related to offerings that have violated God’s proscribed practice.  They were sacrifices that were offensive to God.   Secondly, an offense was seen from a legal perspective.  Ashem meant one was guilty, and applied to both the offender and the offended in respect to the law. And the third area of offense was between fellow Israelites.  It was personal, as in Proverbs 18:19.  The brother of the offender has done something egregious, rebellious against the friendship.  This can be as extreme as Exodus 2:13 where one Israelite kills another Israelite, or as simples as having offense (loathsome) breath, Job 19:17.

In the New Testament “offended” is bait, a stumbling block, sin, transgression, one who stands beside, or an act of wickedness.  Jesus didn’t want people to take offense in regard to him (Matt. 11:6; Luke 7:23), yet they did (Matt 13:57; Mark 6:3).  In fact Paul in Romans says that Jesus was a fulfillment of prophesy, and that he would become a cause of offense to the Jews (Romans 9:32; 1 Peter 2:8).  People were offended on several occasions, not just with his person, but also with his message and action (Luke 15:12; Matt 17:27).  Understanding the nuance of an offense helps both the offender and the offended come to reconciliation.  When a person approaches an an individual and says, “I am offended,” What does he mean?  What is the feeling behind the offense? Was the offender offensive, speaking truth, or unconsciously being careless?  Does a kidney need taken out or a splinter.

Offense can be categorized in the following:

1. A transgression of the moral or divine Law.

2. To cause difficulties, discomfort, or injury.

3.  To cause dislike, anger, or vexation.

4. To violate or transgress – to cause pain or hurt.

5.  A stumbling block – to cause someone to sin or fall.

6.  To cause a feeling of resentment, usually by violation of what is proper or fitting.

In most instances in the scripture offense has to do with a direct desire to do harm to another person.

 John Bevere, in his book “The Bait of Satan,” makes this observation, “No matter what the scenario is, we can divide all offended people into two major categories: (1) those who have been treated unjustly or (2) those who believe they have been treated unjustly.  People in the second category believe with all their hearts that they have been wronged.  Often their conclusions are drawn from inaccurate information. Or their information is accurate, but their conclusion is distorted.  Either way, they hurt, and their understanding is darkened.  They judge by assumption, appearance, and hearsay.”

Once we understand that being offended is broad and complex, we can move on to another important question.  Are the feelings of offense legitimate? I am just saying….

I Am Offended: The Anatomy of Offense

During the last two presidential debates I was amazed when candidates started throwing out the phrase, “I am offended.” Governor Perry said, “If you’re saying that I can be bought for $5,000, I’m offended.” To which Mrs. Bachmann replied, “I’m offended for the all the little girls.”  She was referring to a mandated vaccine in Texas.  A prominent socialist said of Mr. Cain, “I am offended on behalf of all the veterans of the Vietnam War who joined, Mr. Cain.”  This was reaction to Mr. Cain’s offense at taking his book out of context.  Richard Dawkins, a prominent atheist, is offended by the notion of god and how religious people ignore “real” science. Christians are offended by Richard Dawkins.

It seems to me that we are the most offended people in the history of the world.  If you Google the phrase “I am offended” you will get 38,100,000 hits.  One hit was a blog entitled “I am offended because…” The blogger describes herself as “a frequently offended girl.”  I have heard the phrase “That offended me,” or “I am offended by” more this year than I can ever recall in the history of my ministry.  I am sure that I have offended someone just by saying so.

All this offense has gotten me a thinkin.  What does it mean to be offended?  Is offended and offensive the same thing?  If I am offended is there a responsibility of the offender to respond in a certain way?  Should I always make known my offended feelings?  How should I as the offender respond to an offense?  How should I as the offended respond?  Are there different levels or intensity of offense?  Are all offended feelings legitimate?  And the most important question, what does the bible have to say about offense, offenders, and our respective responses and responsibilities?

I have decided to take it upon myself to do some reading, research, and reflection on the issue of offense.  Over the next few blogs I am going to engage myself in a discussion on the biblical perspective of offense and the believer’s proper response.  So be forewarned.  If for some reason you approach me and say, “I am offended…” my mind will start to process a response, and I might get a glazed look on my face as I try and sort out the complexities of that simple statement.  I’m just saying…

I can do without Church

As much as I hate to admidt it, but my feelings are affected by the number of people who attend church on Sunday. I am eliated when it is full, and heavy hearted when it isn't. Neither is rooted in the spiritual welfare of those present or absent, it is merely how I feel. So, this is not a condemantion on anyone who wasn't there this past Sunday, because I am sure that each has a good reason.

However, it has made me wonder about myself. What if I weren't the pastor and didn't have to be in attendence on Sunday? Would I be gone as much as some? Would I find it easy to sleep in or be late? Would someone be concerned about me, and would my absence mean anything if the sanctuary is full? Rebecca reminds me that if I were employed outside the church that we might be traveling to visit children (really grandchildren). The question boils down to this, "Am I lost without it, or can I do without it?'

Now before you answer that question too quickly, mere attendance isn't the issue. It runs much deeper. You may attend church every Sunday but for all the wrong reasons. Your mom may have created such guilt in you as a child that not being in church weighs you down. You might not miss church because it is what you are "suppose" to do, and your habit is well established. You might even be at church every Sunday because you haven't anything better to do that makes you feel as good. The bottom line question is, "are you lost with out it?"

That is the question I am contemplating today, am I lost when I am not in the presence of God and in the company of His people? Can I take church or leave it, and if I can leave it why is that so? Though I do not desire to live in a country that is opressive to the Christian faith, the reality is that during persecution the metal of our faith is tested. The value of our time together is determined when the cost of losing it rises.

Being at church or in a small group is optional because there is always next week. Being with other believers isn't as important because I am surrounded by the people I love and that is sufficient to make me feel safe, secure, and fulfilled. We give a wink and nod to oneanother when we do attend, but don't really want to engage in our failures, or rather my failures. I am alway interested in listneing, but not sharing. And though we rejoice in visitors who fill up the church, but heaven forbid that we ask them to come home with us for lunch and ruin our routine. I mean the Packers are playing at noon. Am I lost without it?

I gues it depends on what "it" is. If "it" is the church, what value is there in church attendance that creates loss if I am not there? Can I not worship God, be a good Christian and not be bogged down with superficial religiousity? I can find more love, acceptance and grace at the local Pub. That's what many unchurched Christians will say.

When the early church swept across the Roman Empire it was a message of life to the opressed, hope for the down trodden, and freedom to those caught in sin. People gathered as a result of their common failings and the freedom they found in Christ. They didn't embrace sin, but didn't destroy the sinner. They confessed their failing to oneanother and rejoiced in the grace and mercy of God. They couldn't wait to be together because it was the only safe place to be, the only place of hope, the only place where God's expression of love was so gloriously expressed through their love for one another. They couldn't do with out it. I'm just saying.....

The Cult of Cultishness: Is Christianity a Cult?

The big question for the Republican Candidates this past week was, “is Mormonism a cult?”  The reactions are varied from, “OH! Yes!” to “I’m not running for Theologian and Chief,” my favorite.  Pastor Jefferies, First Baptist Church of Dallas, is taking a lot of heat for his words.  And then there is the President of Fuller Seminary saying, “No, Mormonism isn’t a cult like Jehovah Witnesses and Hare Krishna.”  What? How does that Make Jehovah Witnesses feel?

I think it is important to get some perspective and definition.  The term cult can have at least three applications.  First, it can relate to a religious system of a particular people.  The cult of Judaism, the cult of Islam, the cult of Isis would all refer to a religious system with its respective customs, priests, and scripture.  Sociologist often uses the term cult when they talk about ancient people and their respective religious systems. 

The second use is directed toward those belief systems that break away from a larger religious group, having similar beliefs, yet, with major shifts on important doctrines.  In this sense Christianity is a cult of Judaism.  Jehovah Witnesses and Mormonism would be considered cults of Christianity.  Some would even consider Islam a cult of either Judaism or Christianity or both.  A case could be made that it is a completely different religion, but their roots with Abraham, their acceptance of certain facts of Christianity have strong connections.

The third use of the term cult is directed toward groups of people who use isolation and mind control to manipulate their followers.  Groups connected with people like Jim Jones or David Koresh would be an example.  Some eastern mystic groups like the Moonies and Hare Krishna would fall into this category.   

Is Mormonism a cult?  The answer is yes.  They are a cult in the sense that they broke away from mainstream Christianity and changed important doctrines that are central to orthodox Christian faith.  There I have said it.   

The problem with the political media is that they are less concerned about the accuracy of their terminology then they are in stirring an emotional pot.  It seems more interesting to talk about the candidates’ religious differences then it is to talk about policies.  This doesn’t discount the question as to how a candidates faith effects their policies, but it puts to rest the childish questions asked of other politicians as to what they think is valid or invalid about another candidates faith.

One objection to what I have said above revolves around revelation.  Christians will say we are not a cult of Judaism because Jesus has given us further revelation, and so will the Muslims, Mormons, Witnesses, and so forth.  I have addressed the issue from a definitions perspective and will address the matters of revelation and validity at another time.  I’m just saying…..

Steve Jobs Who?

I have been an Apple fan from the beginning.  I have enjoyed almost every version of Apple commuter and technology that has presented itself.  Yet, until the last couple of years I haven't ever heard the name Steve Jobs.  Now, in his death, his name is strewn throughout the media.  His glories, in the area of Technology, are proclaimed, and questions of his philosophy and beliefs are questioned. 

There is no doubt about his technological brilliance.  But, in the end, his own words ring true, "death is the greatest invention of life, it takes out the old and allows room for the new."  Or as the bible says, "For it is appointed unto man to die once, and then the judgment."

It is the second part of the bible passage where Steve Jobs finds himself today.  Whatever we want to say about his accomplishments and beliefs, this one thing is true, he stand before a Holy, Just, Loving, and Merciful God, who will judge him not on his efforts in this life, but on the object of his faith.  Steve Jobs had said that we must believe in something, and in a sense that is true.  We have been created for faith and it is natural for us to believe in and place our trust in something.  That does not mean, however, that every object of faith is of equal value.

When we stand before God he judges us, not on our faith, but on the object of our faith.  He will not judge us on our sincerity, but on our commitment to Christ.  There is only one name, the bible says, by which a man may be saved from the wrath of God, and that name is Jesus.  It is only through the substitutionary death of Jesus Christ that God's punishment for sin can be satisfied. 

Death does make way for the new.  As we die to self and live for Christ, the old way of sin and death pass, and the new way of life and love takes form.  We no longer see things from the eyes of the world, but through the lens of our Savior.  In Christ the slave is free.  In Christ the oppressed find release.  In Christ the poor find hope.  In Christ life finds meaning.  In Christ all the glories and riches of heaven are ours.  In Christ men and women, young and old, rich and poor, American and Arab, Russian and European, African, Asian and Hispanic are equal and brothers. 

We can be thankful, that in the common grace of God, people like Steve Jobs have brought technologies that make our lives easier and connect us in new ways.  But as the bumper sticker says, "The man who dies with the most toys, still dies."  What lasts is our relationship with Christ, for in him is life, and that life is eternal.  For this who knew and loved Steve Jobs, my prayer is that you find peace, comfort, and compassion in the good news that God, through Christ, has a bright future for you, and all who believe in, and confess the name of Jesus.  I'm just saying....