View From The Scope

Turning 50 seems to be the demarcation down the slope to humility.  It begins the quest for physical and spiritual introspection.  My recent experience reminds me of the humility that comes with laying one’s self bare for the cause of health.  That’s right I had my first colonoscopy.  There are many spiritual parallels to the experience.

1.  Cleansing.  Two days before the procedure I was instructed to refrain from eating anything solid.  That was almost an impossibility and torturous situation during the Thanksgiving season.  Only clear liquids were allowed me during this time.  One day before the procedure the instructions were to drink 4 liters of fluid, specially made for cleansing out the digestive system.  Flavored packs were added to make the drink more palatable, which it wasn’t.  The clear diet and horrible drink did its job and by the morning of my colonoscopy I weighed 7 pounds lighter. 

“Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin”  (Psalm 51:2) Psalm 51 talks about being washed and cleansed thoroughly.  In order to be healthy Christians we need to be cleansed; we need to allow the Holy Spirit to wash over us and remove the stain of sin that hinders our walk with God.  This takes time, meditation, and introspection.  It doesn’t happen in the hectic pace of life, but when we take time to reflect on our lives through the lens of God’s Word.  Five minutes here and there might make us feel good, but it won’t allow the Spirit time to penetrate to our very core.  We need to remove ourselves from the distractions and concentrate on the nature of God and his love for us. 

2.  Searching.  The day of my colonoscopy, the nurse prepped me with an IV, embarrassing gown, and a strong sedative.  I liked the sedative.  The doctor was skilled, and with surgical precision observed the length of my insides to see if there was anything that could be harmful to my health.  If there were, she would be able to take care of it, cut it out, or set in motion a medical regiment that would restore me to health. 

“Search me, O God, and know my heart…” (Psalm 139:23).  God is the only physician who can truly search our hearts.  He knows us better than we know our selves.  When we prepare ourselves and then allow Him to reveal our selfish motivations and sin, then we are able to set about making right the relationships that have been broken, beginning with God. 

3.  Humility.  Every time I got up or moved around I had to hold, precariously, the flimsy gown the hospital provided.  It took mental discipline to move beyond the natural instinct to remain covered and unexposed.  In the end my exposure was necessary for the doctor to do her job.  I am glad that I was sedated. 

“To this one I will look, to him who is humble and contrite of spirit”  (Isaiah 66:2). When we fight God by trying keeping ourselves covered, hiding our sin, and not being exposed, He is unable to do His healing work in our lives.  God is more interested in a humble heart then working hands or running feet.  Humility is laying bear before God all our sin, inadequacies, fears, failures, hopes and dreams.  Humility realizes that apart from God I can never accomplish the kind of life for which I have been created.  

Colonoscopies are not fun, but they serve the purpose of keeping me healthy.  The discipline of meeting with God isn’t easy, but is necessary if we are going to move beyond superficial Christianity into a life deep with meaning, purpose, and health.  I’m just saying…..

Anatomy of Offense: I Feel Offended

This is the final installment of an Anatomy of Offense.  For most of us, we respond positively when a person is justified in their offense.  If we are sensitive to the Spirit we want reconciliation, express a repented heart, and seek forgiveness.  However, there are times (and they seem to be the majority of the time) when people "feel" offense when no offense was intended or expressed.  Feelings of offense are often triggered by a word or deed that leads to an emotional response.  If I walk down the hall and say, “ hi”, and you don't respond, it triggers an emotional response of offense.  "I was offended because you didn't acknowledge me."  Was the offense justified?  Was the person who 'ignored' you truly slighting you, or was there something else going on? 

Asking questions of clarification can clear up most feelings of offense.  "I said hi to you in the hall way.  I was wondering if you didn't see me or were preoccupied?"  This is a question that owns your feeling and allows the person to clarify the situation.   Emails are notorious for miscommunication and feelings of offense.  I am a great proponent of emails.  I think the quick distribution and lines of communications facilitate workflow.  However, anything written can lead to misunderstanding.  When conversation isn't localized and face-to-face, nuance is missing and people can respond to emotional triggers that lead to feelings of offense. 

There are two negative responses that can occur when a feeling of offense takes place.  One is to do nothing, let the feeling fester, and/or gossip about the insensitivity of the person who triggered the feeling.  This response is destructive and leads to sin.  The second response happens when the offended genuinely wants to reconcile the situation, and approaches the person who has triggered their feelings.  Generally they make a statement like, "Can I talk to you a moment.  I just want you to know that when you _________, I was offended,” or "You offended me when you __________."  There is a problem with these statements.

In this situation the offended person isn't seeking clarification.  They place an expectation on the supposed offender to acknowledge the offense and seek forgiveness.  The problem is that there may not have been anything offensive that has occurred.  The person may have only triggered an emotional feeling.  If the "offender" doesn't apologize the "offended" will walk away, still feeling hurt and disenfranchised.  On the other hand if the "offender" apologizes they have perpetuated a victim mentality that leads people who have triggered emotions to expect contrition by others.

This is a difficult position.  If the "offender" says, "Oh, I am sorry that you feel offended, I didn't mean to hurt you,” the "offended" might feel better but no repentance has taken place.  The "offender" has only apologized for the "offended's" feelings, not any action done on his/her part.  The only thing that happens is that the "offender" becomes paranoid when ever he/she is around the "offended" 

So, how should the "offended" respond, and how should the "offender" respond? 

When feelings of offense arise the first step is to identify the feeling.  Why has the action or statement offended me?  Was the action or statement meant to be offensive?  Has the person done or said something that truly degrades or harms me in any way?  If the action or statement triggers an emotion, but wasn't truly offensive or unintentional then the "offense" is an emotionally triggered event and not a justified offense.  The second step is to take it to the Lord and lay the feeling before the throne of God's grace and chose not to hold it against the person who has triggered the emotion.  Chose to love them in the way that Christ has loved you.   But, what if the feeling doesn't go away?

The third step is to own your feeling, go to the person, and ask clarifying questions.  "You said ______, and it made me feel _______, and I was wondering if that is what you meant."  "You did ______, and it made me feel __________, and I was wondering if the that was your intention.”  Clarifying questions, like the ones above, acknowledge the feeling as yours and allows the person to give more information that could shed light and ease your feelings.  What if there is not intent of offense but the answer doesn't alleviate your feelings?

If no sin has taken place, and the confronted person feels no need to apologize, then we follow the Apostle Paul’s admonition, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men” (Rom. 12:18).  I think it is unreasonable and presumptuous to expect an apology when a sin hasn’t occurred.  The accused “offender” should be gracious, clarifying when necessary, apologize where appropriate, but not every “feeling of offense” should be coddled.           We live in a culture that has perpetuated a victim mentality, where ‘victims’ are always right, and truth is subject to feelings. 

Whether I have offended or felt offended the overriding principle is love.   I’m just saying….                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

Anatomy of Offense: You Did What?

In a previous blog I pointed out that all offenses fall into two categories, justified and feeling justified.  How should we respond when a person has truly offended us?  There are two passages that are often used to guide us in our response, Matthew 5:23 and 18:15.

The context of Matthew 5:23 is set in a court of law.  In other words, if your brother has something against you that is so egregious that needs to be taken to a court of law, go to him and be reconciled.  The emphasis is not on the one offended but on the offender.  In the course of contemplation and prayer, God reveals to his heart that he has unjustly done harm to a brother and needs to seek reconciliation before he can truly grow in his relationship with God.

In this passage there is no talk about the person who has been offended.  The inference is that he may take them to court, but that isn’t the motivation on the part of the offender.  His motivation is because he has been convicted of his sin while worshipping.  He obviously knew about the offense, but had not felt it important enough for a response.  It is in the presence of God he is moved to seek reconciliation.  There is no indication that his efforts will be successful.  Rather it is the changed heart of the offender and his desire to seek forgiveness and reconciliation that is at the core of Jesus’ teaching.

The context of Matthew 18:15 is about restoration as well, but from the other direction.  If someone has sinned, then you go to the person in private, so that they will have an opportunity to repent and be restored to both you and God.  If they persist in their sin then you bring someone with you.  If there is still is no movement toward reconciliation then you bring it before the church.   The passage isn’t talking about offense against a person specifically, but rather someone in sin generally.  Yet, it can apply to the person who has been sinned against.

The question boils down to the offense; is it sinful?  A justified offense is one where the intent is to do harm.  If I lie about you, gossip, treat you disrespectfully, physically hurt or oppress you, and so forth.  When a person has attacked you personally to do harm their sin needs to be addressed.  The motivation should always be reconciliation.

Steps to dealing with a justified offense:

1.  Don’t talk about it to other people (unless you are in danger of physical harm, a law is broken, or death is imminent).  Most justified offenses don’t fall into these categories and people often talk to everyone other than the one who has been offensive.

2.  Go to the person who has offended you and talk to them.  If they continue in their offense…

3.  Take one or two godly people with you and confront them with their behavior or attitude.  If they are persistent in their sin (and make sure it is sin)….

4.  Take it to the church, so that the person will be held accountable to the body for their behavior. 

All this is to be done for one reason only – the restoration of a brother from a broken relationship to one that is healthy and whole.  If the offended one is seeking condemnation, revenge, and retribution, then the process will break down and God will not be glorified.  Justified offenses should never be tolerated in the church.  However, my experience is that most people who are “offended,” are so because of feelings.  Are my feelings of offense valid, and if so, what do I do with them.  Next week….I’m just saying.

Anatomy of Offense: Don't feel that way.

Ever felt sad and someone said, "Don't feel sad, be happy." Or maybe you were really happy and someone said, "Why do you have to be so happy?"  No matter how you feel, there will be someone who will tell you to feel differently.  Emotions, however, are uncontrollable.  Some might say they are not emotional, but generally they mean they do not express them outwardly.  We are emotional creatures, God has created us this way, and our emotions, often, come like a flood.

Jesus had emotions.  He celebrated, cried, was sad, and even displayed anger.  Emotions are not sinful.  Sin occurs when we respond to emotions inappropriately.  When a person is offended he/she is feeling something.  There is an underlining feeling that has responded to an event or conversation.  We often believe that a person or event causes the emotion, but that really isn't true.  The person or event may be the trigger or be a catalyst, but it isn't the cause.  If I say that I don't like purple hair, you might be offended.  Have I said anything offensive, or caused you to feel offended?  I merely made a preferential statement.  However, if you had purple hair as a child, and were constantly told you were stupid, you grew up thinking that people with purple hair are stupid.  So, when I said, "I don't like purple hair," you think I have called you stupid and thus feel offended. 

Now, if I say, "all purple hair people I have met are stupid," then I am saying something that personally attacks a group of people, and if you have purple hair and I have just met you then you might feel offended.  Everyone that I have met who have purple hair could feel that way.  If I say, "all purple haired people are stupid," then everyone with purple hair, met or unmet, can rise up against me.  The feelings of offense are triggered, not by truth, but the implications that are being laid.  If you have purple hair and are not stupid, is there a reason for you to be upset?  And if you have purple hair and are stupid, you wouldn’t get it anyway. 

The feelings either come or they don't, and the way we feel isn't as important as why we feel it.  Usually if someone's words offend us it is because the person either holds power over us or we hold them in high esteem.  In other words I care about what that person has to say.  If a racist, intolerant, bigot stands up waving a sigh and shouting, "Purple haired people are dumb, purple haired people are dumb, purple haired people are dumb," I might walk by in disgust but I won't feel hurt or betrayed.  If my father, mother, teacher, pastor, leader, friend says it I am hurt because either:  1) I think maybe it is true, 2)  I feel that they think less of me and I care what they think.

For the offended the question are the feelings.  What do I do with the feelings that are triggered?  First, we need to acknowledge the legitimacy of our feelings.  They are barometers of something going on.  To deny that I get angry, sad, frustrated, hurt, disgusted, or jealous is to ignore what is going on inside and hinders a proper response. 

Secondly, we need to identify the feeling.  What feeling was triggered by the event?  Am I angry because I have purple hair and my parents always told me purple haired people were stupid, or am I angry because I was actually called stupid by the offender? 

Thirdly, we need to own our emotion.  In most cases emotions are triggered and not caused.  I know that seems picky.  I can hit you and cause pain, but I can't cause anger, contempt, fear, or even laughter.  The emotion is based on other factors.  If I hit you and it stings, you may laugh because I am a wimpy hitter.  You may be angry because you think I was trying to harm you.  You might feel fear because you think I am going to hit you again.  You might feel contempt because you feel I have little regard for your happiness.  All the while I was trying to kill the mosquito that was going to bite you.  I caused pain, but the emotions were triggered based on your experience and knowledge. 

Once we realize that our emotions of offense are not caused and are ours; then we can formulate an appropriate response.  Remember, I am not saying that the emotional response of offense is justified or not, but rather the feeling belongs to us, and therefore the response and outcome are in our control.  I'm just say......